Posted by Agent_J on September 03, 2003 at 23:09:12:
In Reply to: A Wilting Bush - The bloom is fading on the rose! posted by Cece on July 30, 2003 at 00:56:58:
Knight in Shining Armor Prize goes to George Bush for many reasons, but especially for that moment when he referred to Laura as "the lump in the bed."
ELLEN GOODMAN
The equal rites awards
By Ellen Goodman, 8/24/2003
WE GATHER HERE once more to celebrate Aug. 26, the
anniversary of the passage of women's suffrage, with a time-
honored tradition. Our one-woman jury dispenses the annual
Equal Rites Awards to those very special folks who worked
hard over the past 12 months to set back the cause of
equality. The awards are always the subject of intense
competition. But never more so than this year when the world
seemed to divide between international fundamentalists who
want to keep women veiled and Internet spammers who want
to unveil them on your computer screen.
But enough of that. It's time for the envelopes, please.
We must begin with the Boys Will Be Playboys Award, which
goes to the patriarch of soft porn, Hugh Hefner, on the 50th
anniversary of his magazine. In celebrating a half-century of
centerfolds without ever getting out of his bathrobe, Hef said,
"I was trying to give sex a good name." Like, say, sexism? As
a reward, we ship a new pair of pants and a jacket to the
mansion so Hef can dress up and grow up.
While we are talking about an appetite for nudeness, let us
dispense the Our Bodies, Our Buffets Award. This goes to
Manhattan's Raw Catering, a company that uses naked
women as serving platters for sushi and other uncooked
delicacies. For this eating disorder we give them three stars
for bad taste.
Taste? Did we say taste? Rap artists have a lock on the hotly
contested Misogyny in Music Award. This year it goes to
Ludacris, whose tamer lyrics warn a girl: "I've been drankin'
and bustin' two/ and I been thankin' of bustin' you/Upside ya .
. . forehead." Well, you get the drift and he gets the prize for
making abuse into an art form.
At least they didn't make it into a marching song.
The real Battle of the Sexes Prize is flying to the Air Force
Academy. While women were fighting in Iraq against the
enemy, cadets were fighting the hostile environment in which
sexual assault was a form of hazing and women who
reported rape were penalized for having sex. We send the
academy an old and tattered peace symbol and best wishes
for reform.
Anyone want a Battle of the Species Prize? The People for
the Ethical Treatment of Animals win for an ad campaign that
compared the serial killing of 15 women to the "serial killings
going on every day in slaughter houses and on pig farms."
We would send PETA the missing link, except it may be the
missing link.
While we are on the links, let's award the Superstar of
Sexism Award to two in the most gentlemanly -- and we used
that word literally -- of sports: golf. Hootie Johnson fought to
keep Augusta National Golf Club free from the polluting
influence of women members while Vijay Singh hoped
Annika Sorenstam would miss the cut for a PGA event
"because she doesn't belong out here." We award them both
a bad case of the yips.
On to the Dubious Equality Award, bestowed annually on a
woman who has labored for the most unworthy bit of
progress. No one deserves this honor more than Huda Salih
Mahdi Ammash, aka Mrs. Anthrax, who is cited as the head
of Iraq's biological weapons program. She won a place for
herself as the Five of Hearts in the most wanted pack of
cards. We can't trump that.
As for that other card, the Knight in Shining Armor Prize goes
to George Bush for many reasons, but especially for that
moment when he referred to Laura as "the lump in the bed."
Be still my heart. We send him a suggestion . . . to send her
roses.
Each year we hand out the Blind Justice Award to the most
deserving judge. Today, however, we give it to a judicial
nominee, the most sexist in a highly competitive field. James
Leon Holmes, the former head of Arkansas Right to Life,
opined that the duty of a wife is "to subordinate herself to her
husband." Holmes's nomination has stalled and we bless him
with a lifetime tenure in legal limbo.
Meanwhile, the Raging Hormonal Imbalance Award goes
overseas for the first time to Seiichi Ota, a Japanese
lawmaker. Speaking at a conference on his country's
declining population, he defended a gang rape because "the
people who do it are still virile and that is OK. I think that
might make them close to normal." We send foreign aid to
help our Japanese sisters reduce the population of politicians
by one.
And while we are in a rage, let's give the Post-Feminist
Booby Prize to radio shock-jock Tom Leykis, best known for
his advice on how to get "more tail for less money." Leykis
justified broadcasting the name of Kobe Bryant's accuser as
a feminist strike against a "paternalistic policy." We offer him
our petit-point pillow inscribed: With Friends Like These . . .
While we are broadcasting, the Media Ms-Adventure Award
goes to the folks at Spike TV, the new all-Mars, no-Venus
cable station, for their first female star. Who is this
cableman's dream gal? Truly a cartoon figure. Erotica Jones
is an exotic dancer by night, a sexy superhero by later night,
and we send Spike some anti-Viagra.
Another prescription? Let's not forget the Male-Practice
Award. At a hearing, Dr. Harry J. Metropol dismissed as
frivolous the complaints of a woman whose breasts were
removed by mistake. Why, said Metropol, with breast surgery
she'd be better than new: "It won't be National Geographic,
hanging to her knees. It'll be nice, firm breasts." Some nice
fresh replacements for the doc's private parts will be wending
their way. Happy landing.
And while we are male-practicing, what can we give
Louisville surgeon Michael Guiler, who branded his patient's
uterus with the initials of his alma mater? A post-doc in
sensitivity training? How about the Dissed Alumni Prize?
This ERA committee usually gives out a Patriarch of the Year
Award. Due to special circumstances, however, we have
replaced it with a Daddy's Little Girl Award to two daughters
of Saddam Hussein. Their murderous father even had their
husbands killed, but these girlchilds still describe him "a very
good father. Loving. Has a big heart." For that "ms"-guided
loyalty we send them videotapes of Daddy Dearest's victims.
We still have room on our dance card for the International
Ayatollah Award. It goes to the Islamic court in Nigeria that
sentenced Amina Lawal to death by stoning for adultery. As
this young mother appeals her fate -- due Aug. 27 -- the
alleged man goes scot-free because Koranic law requires
four witnesses to prove a man guilty. We send a DNA testing
kit and cast the first stone at the court.
Finally, the "Ms"-Ad-Ventures Award. The prize for the worst
ad, always competitive, goes to the folks selling Barely There
underwear. These ads feature a young, buff model in her
skivvies calling herself Susan B. Anthony. What would the
redoubtable Ms. Anthony say about her historic role? Dear
Susan, when we put you on a pedestal, we didn't know you'd
be barely there.
Ellen Goodman's e-mail address is
ellengoodman@globe.com.
© Copyright 2003 Globe Newspaper Company.
© Copyright 2003 The New York Times Company